Disclaimer: This is a cross between JLA (Season 5) and Rorscharch’s Blot’s Make A Wish Story. Harry Potter is owned by JK Rowling and various publishers. Henchgirl, The Professor, and other such objects are Rorscharch’s creation. DC Comics own the Justice League and associated characters/plot devices. The lack of plot, however, can be attributed to me.
The Day of Interruptions
After Harry bid Kara good night—both verbally and not—the wizard returned to his apartment with hopes of finally being able to rest without fear of temporal displacement during his slumber. His plan begun beautifully; he arrived back at his assigned dormitory without incident, and he arrived to find his trunk still securely warded. Swiftly changing into his sleepwear, Harry fell back onto his bed in repose. Everything well in hand, he closed his eyes as a relaxed sigh escaped his lips—
—Which promptly turned into a groan when his Zippo began vibrating.
Eyes still tightly shut, the immortal magician activated the device. “Yes?” he groaned questioningly.
“Hello, Mr. Black!” a far too perky feminine voice greeted.
“Henchgirl?” Harry mumbled sleepily. “Do you know what time it is?”
“Sure. It’s 3AM here. Why? You haven’t lost your watch, have you? Because if you did, we built in this function that makes it appear on your wrist when you whistle the funeral march.”
Harry was desperately trying to convince himself not to reach through the Floo connection and throttle the witch. Finally succeeding in leashing his temper, he asked, “Funeral march?”
“Yeah, we chose that method so that you could use the feature discretely,” the female inventor informed. “After all, who would whistle to summon his watch?”
“Do I even want to know why you chose the Funeral march?”
“I like Chopin,” she admitted, “and it was one of the easiest to whistle. I tried the Revolutionary Etude, but it didn’t work as well.”
“I see,” Harry yawned and wondered just why his was discussing music at three in the morning. “Thank you for the information. So… why did you call anyway?”
“I just needed to talk with a friend.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. The Professor made fun of a spell I invented when I showed it to him, and I decided that maybe if I talk it over with you, I’ll feel better.”
“Maybe he wasn’t all that nice because he wanted to go to sleep?” Harry prompted in a less than subtle manner.
“Why would he want that? I showed it to him just after dinner.”
“Then why are you calling me now?”
“Oh, I didn’t want to disturb you in case you were doing something important.”
Harry slowly counted to ten, preparing himself for another no-doubt harebrained scheme. “I see. So, what was this spell you invented?”
“Well, I needed a spell to protect shoes from water. You see, I went shopping a few days ago and got caught by a rainstorm, which ruined my shoes. So, I wanted to make a spell to prevent that from happening the next time.”
Harry blinked in disbelief. “That doesn’t sound that bad.”
“No, it isn’t,” Henchgirl agreed happily, before her tone grew subdued. “But I think that I made the spell a bit too powerful. I still had the rainstorm and my ruined shoes in mind—they were new, you see…”
He just could not help himself. “How can you make a spell like that too powerful?” he demanded curiously.
“Well… it does repel water like I wanted, but… it also kinda gives you the ability to walk on water.”
And there was the other rapidly falling shoe, right on schedule.
“‘Walk on water’, huh?” Harry verified.
“Yeah.” She sighed. “You can laugh now if you want.”
“Why would I laugh? It sounds kinda fun, actually.”
“You think so?”
“Sure,” he assured his almost-sister. “In fact, I’ll try it out first thing tom—”
“If I give you the incantation, can you try it now?” she interrupted pleadingly.
Harry sighed resignedly. “Sure.”
“You want it? You really want it?” she exclaimed enthusiastically. “The parchment’s on its way! Thanks, Mr. Black! I can’t wait to tell the Professor that he was wrong!”
“Yes,” Harry muttered darkly as memories of the Universal Remote drifted to his conscious mind, “neither can I. I’ll contact you later, Henchgirl.”
“Oke dokee!” Just before she disconnected, Harry could hear a squealed ‘he liked it!’
Swallowing a cocktail mixture of Pepper-Up potion and coffee in lieu of sleep, Harry decided to test Henchgirl’s aquatic spell in the same location as his submarine. After all, there was still some daylight left in Metropolis. With one last longing look at his unused bed, Harry charmed his shoes and Apparated to the Metropolis docks.
The wizard soon proved the inventor right on all counts as his shoes remained not only dry, but also above sea level. In no time at all, Harry was water skating away from the crowded wharf and towards the open sea. Approximately a half hour into his leisurely excursion, he happened upon a suspicious-looking ship. More specifically, his attention was drawn to a group of nasty-looking individuals on said ship who were, at that moment, in the process of throwing a very familiar-looking female reporter into the sea.
Not seeing even a remote glimpse of the big blue Boy Scout, Harry increased his pace and snatched the almost-drenched Lois Lane as she tumbled towards the ocean’s surface.
“I somehow doubt that this is part of your daily swim workout,” Harry commented to the woman in his arms as he made his way back to the docks.
“’Fraid not,” the brunette replied, before looking at him curiously. “What are you doing here, Mr. Black? Not that I’m not happy to see you, that is.”
“Oh, I just went for a walk, decided to enjoy the fresh sea breeze. And I believe that I told you to call me ‘Joe’.”
“‘On a walk’?” she repeated dumbly, her eyes traveling to his feet. The feet that were inexplicably balanced on top of the rolling surf. “Right. On a walk. Why not? I’ve got nothing against going out for a walk.” she added, a half octave higher than usual.
“So… who were your playmates?” Harry inquired.
“Oh, one of my sources contacted me about a gunrunning, drug smuggling operation. It sounded like a good story, so I snuck onto the ship. Unfortunately, they discovered me as I was trying to escape and decided to throw me overboard out here. It’s too far to swim, and this way there’s no awkward questions about how an accidental drowning victim caught a few bullets in the head.”
“And you didn’t think it wise to wait for your partner—who is incidentally bulletproof and can fly—before going after those people?”
“Martha called him back to Smallville for something, and I couldn’t risk having the ship gone by the time he returned. So I took Jimmy Olsen with me as backup.”
“I don’t see him anywhere,” Harry accused.
Lois looked away from him. “I might have told him to… stay on the docks.”
“I’m sure that Clark’s just going to love hearing how Jimmy Olsen is a suitable stand-in for him.”
“Well, if those bozos hadn’t found me, I would have had the story of the year. The decade, even!”
Harry pragmatically added, “And if I hadn’t been here, Clark would have been right beside Aquaman and the rest of us scouring the seafloor for you. Do you have any idea what finding your corpse would do to him? Not to mention my own problems with determining in which afterlife you most belong. I’m pretty sure we don’t have any guys with a newspaper schick in the Union, and I’d feel bad if I subjected the saints to endless interviews ”
She went quiet for a moment in reflection. Once again, she came face-to-face with death, and very narrowly missed ending her mortal existence.
‘Of course,’ she mentally noted, ‘I’m still face-to-face with Death, in a sense. Which reminds me…’
A sly smile appeared on her lips. “You know, I can still have that story of the year. If I could just get you to…”
Harry groaned inwardly. Any feeble hopes he had been nursing of the woman dropping her demands for an ‘exclusive’ evaporated. Of course, the mere idea that ‘the Lois Lane’ would ever turn down a story was a rather obvious indication that he needed sleep. Opting to employ a long-time gambit, he changed the topic. “You know, I really liked your karaoke performance at Halloween.”
In hindsight, perhaps the change of topic was rather obvious, but it wasn’t like he ever hid his lack of enthusiasm at the interview notion.
“Umm… thanks. Don’t you think it was rather strange, how the machine chose our songs?”
“No. Why do you ask?” Harry carefully maintained his poker face—just like he did when Lois took the stage that night and received ‘I Need a Hero’ to sing. Thinking back, there seemed to be a sudden rash of coughing and red faces when the reporter reached the ‘needing a superman to sweep her off her feet’ part.
Lois gave him a long searching look. Much to his inner relief, the straight face held. Of course, the fact that he had a straight face was probably a little suspect, but at least he wouldn’t be attacked over it.
Apparently, she agreed with him, for she let the matter drop and instead voiced, “By the way, I had no idea you had such a great singing voice.”
“Oh, that. Well, singing is sorta part-and-parcel of the whole ‘angel’ gig. To be completely honest, I felt a bit like I was cheating because of it.”
“It wasn’t a contest,” she assured him.
“Oh, I know. If it had been, I’d have never competed—no matter how much Kara nagged me. It just wouldn’t have been fair.” Catching sight of an antsy redheaded photographer, Harry added, “Oh, look! Here we are.”
Putting on a burst of speed, Harry jumped the dock wall as they approached and landed a few feet shy of the fidgeting Jimmy Olsen.
“Lois!” said teenager exclaimed as soon as Harry lowered the reporter to the ground. “I was just about to call for Superman.”
“Were you, now?” the wizard asked as he gave Lois a pointed look. “How very responsible of you.”
“Er, thank you, Sir. I…” The photographer looked his colleague for assistance.
“Oh, right, you don’t know each other. Well, you don’t know Joe, anyway. Joe, this is Jimmy Olsen, our brilliant photographer and future reporter for the Daily Planet. Jimmy, this is Joe Black. He is… he is…” she paused as she looked for away to summarize her rescuer.
“I’m just a guy on vacation,” Harry finished with a smile—which quickly grew somewhat mischievous. “Of course, I nearly had to cut it short due to certain swimming lessons someone decided to take.” Lois received a second pointed look, which she seemed to shrug off as easily as the first.
“‘Swimming lessons’?” Jimmy echoed, now completely confused. “Are you… wait a minute. How did you come here?”
“Pardon?”
“I just realized. It looked as if you were walking on the water.”
Harry nodded. “That might be because I was. There’s nothing to it, really.”
The boy stared at Harry wide eyed.
“Err… I don’t suppose you could do that again so I can take a picture?” the redhead finally managed to ask, reaching for his camera.
“I’d rather you didn’t,” the wizard answered honestly. “I’ve heard that taking photos of me brings bad luck, so perhaps its better if you don’t try.”
“I could…”
“Jimmy!” Lois cut in with her best ‘I’ll explain later’ look. “Put away the camera. I don’t think any of us are in mood for a photo session. Let’s just get back to the Planet so I can finish writing my article.”
The teenager blinked. “Uh… sure, Lois. We can go.”
Her mention of the story jogged Harry’s mind and sent his hand reaching into his coat pocket. “Lois, about that text you had me translate for your article… I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, and I was going through some of my old things when I found a couple of items that you might find inspiring.”
He withdrew his hand, producing a small stone box decorated with Aztec carvings. The wizard had bought the thing for almost nothing in some souvenir shop during his travels, and was glad to finally find a use for it. Harry just hoped that Lois would appreciate the joke connected with the box’s contents.
During one of his sabbaticals on Black Island, the magician was experimenting with his mage sight ability. He had hoped to duplicate the effects of Mad-Eye Moody’s false eye, as the battered old man had won many duels due to his dubious advantage. He already knew how to identify spell craft, which made spotting invisible targets or seeing through illusions quite simple. He soon learned, however, that seeing through solid objects took much more focused concentration. His persistence eventually won out, and he managed to manipulate his magical sight in such a fashion. This achievement led to him learning two important facts.
One, a wizard should never attempt to look through certain types of wards, if his sudden migraine was any indication. Fortunately for him, a dozen-strong band of Veela found him shortly thereafter and volunteered to ‘nurse him back to health’. Several of them even produced nurses’ outfits for the occasion and, though they employed certain… unorthodox tactics, they did cure his headache.
The other fact was discovered later, when he decided to ask the Doctor how magical implants such as Moody’s eye were made, and if they could penetrate wards. Unfortunately, the woman approached the explanation in a rather enthusiastic manner. After explaining—at length—the various charms that could be grafted to magical prosthesis, she decided to teach him how to make the magical eyes himself in the event that he ever needed the knowledge.
The witch found it highly amusing to watch Harry attempt the process, turning out one faulty optic after another. She found it less amusing when he succeeded on his fortieth attempt, and the woman finally confessed that it usually took apprentice mediwitches at least a year and several thousand attempts to produce a fully functional eye.
Harry rewarded the woman’s attempt at garnering a laugh at his expense by connecting the failed attempts into a necklace, putting it on the Doctor’s neck with a Sticking Charm, and setting the removal trigger in Parseltongue.
For some odd reason, the witch was less than pleased at the reversal of fortunes. After she wore it for a day, Harry took pity on her and removed it. Somehow, the ‘original postmodern jewelry’—as the Professor dubbed the macabre item—got thrown in with his other belongings.
Oh, well, at least he found someone who could have a laugh at it.
“Thank you, Joe.”
“Don’t mention it,” Harry instructed. “Now, it was nice to see you again, but I’ve got a bit of business left to take care of—” he gestured at the ocean “—so I’ll wish you a good day. Bye!” Farewell given, he back flipped off the pier and began skating back out to sea, leaving the two Daily Planet employees to their own devices.
While Jimmy was staring in disbelief at the receding figure, Lois was inspecting the stone box. The very heavy stone box which could contain just about everything, considering that it was one of Mr. Black’s ‘old things’. She was seriously considering having Clark x-ray the container before she opened it. Then again, she didn’t get where she was today by restraining her curiosity.
After she peaked into the box, her face took on a greenish tint. Perhaps she should have waited on her Kryptonian partner after all.
Apparently, her distress was noticeable enough to rouse Jimmy’s attention. “What is it, Lois? Is something wrong?”
“Take a look for yourself,” she invited.
Jimmy looked into the box where he saw a necklace of twenty pairs of human eyes, all impaled on a cord. He handed the box back to Lois, walked a few steps to the water, turned away, and got sick—
—Which was how Clark found them a few moments later when he surreptitiously landed and changed back into his non-caped suit.
“Hey, you two. I asked after you around the newsroom and they sent me here.” Taking in their less-than-stellar states, the adopted Kent asked, “Did something happen? Are you two all right?”
“Jimmy’s fine,” Lois reassured her significant other. “He just not quite ready to be a field reporter yet. I don’t suppose that I can blame him this time, though.”
“What happened?”
“I’ll get into the details later, but the skinny is like this. When you said at the girls’ birthday party that it’s better not to ask… I think I know why.” She handed him Mr. Black’s box, knowing without a doubt that he was going to look through it.
Sure enough, the Man of Steel seemed slightly queasy after examining the carton.
“My thoughts exactly,” she stated.
The group made their way back to the office but, just as they were about to enter the Planet, a faraway sound registered in the superhuman’s enhanced ear.
While Jimmy continued on inside, Lois noticed Clark’s reduced pace.
“I need to go,” he told the woman discretely.
“Again? What is it this time?”
“A distress call from a ship just an hour away from Metropolis. Apparently, one of the old blockade mines from World War 2 broke loose from its mooring and collided with the ship. He listened again. “Better make that two mines.”
As the man prepared to duck into an alley, Lois laid a hand on his arm. “Before you go, you’d better hear about the rest of my time with Mr. Black.”
After thoroughly testing out Henchgirl’s new charm, Harry Apparated back to his room aboard the Watchtower. The spell seemed to work as intended, but he did have one question for the inventive witch. He realized that he should have probably asked before trying out the spell, but since he didn’t… well, no time like the present.
“Henchgirl!” he called into the Zippo.
“Mr. Black? Have you tried the spell? Did it work? Whatdya think? Huh? Huh? Huh?”
“Yes, I did, and it works great, Henchgirl. One question, though; how long does it take to wear off?”
“Oh, it doesn’t.”
“It doesn’t?” he asked dully.
“Nope! Of course, if you concentrate on it, you can temporally suppress it I suppose, but why bother? I mean, what good is a shoe-protecting spell if you constantly have to check whether it was still working all the time?”
“Err… right. Thanks, that’s all I wanted to know. Oh, and Henchgirl?”
“Yes?”
“Next time, could you just simply use a water repelling potion or something?”
With Henchgirl satisfied, Harry once more fell back onto his bed in hopes of resting. Like the last time, however, a female acquaintance had other plans.
A loud knocking on his door reverberated throughout the room, causing him to briefly consider implementing a ‘hex first, question later’ policy. He reconsidered, however, and opened the portal to find Kara dressed in full uniform.
“Oh, good, you’re already dressed,” the Argosian greeted. “We better get going. I promised to help Barb look for some new shoes in Gotham, then you and I have that appointment in Japan after lunch. After that, you’re supposed to be meeting with Clark to plant Kandor City on Argo while Raven and I go with Diana and her younger sister to Themyscira.”
Harry blinked. “You and Raven are going where to do what?”
“Yeah, didn’t I tell you?” Kara asked. “I know I meant to. Anyway, the Amazons are throwing some sort of tournament/festival thing and Diana invited a few of us to attend. Her little sister Donna apparently did the same for Raven and her Tamaranian friend. I think it’s their mom’s way of opening up to the outside world.”
“A worthy goal, but I wouldn’t have thought that a sporting event would interest Raven,” Harry admitted.
Kara shrugged. “Well, Donna did mention something about an ancient library on the island…”
The wizard nodded. “Ah, now I understand. Well, I hope you all have fun.”
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll keep an eye on her.”
Harry’s lips twitched, causing Kara to look at him curiously.
“What is it?”
Harry just shook his head before locking his door behind them. “Well, I bumped into Lois earlier…”
Diana placed her tiara on the workbench before running both hands through her hair in frustration. Once again, they were ensconced in her boyfriend’s subterranean lair, searching for a scientific explanation for their new colleague’s susceptibility to coffee. Thus far, their labors had been in vain.
“It’s almost as if coffee possesses some unique magical property that he is vulnerable to,” she thought out loud, “something to make its effects stronger on him than anyone else.” The Amazon was suddenly stricken with an idea. “Almost like how red kryptonite affects Kal, just not to the same degree.”
Bruce looked at her as he debated the notion with himself. “That might be a possibility,” he admitted. “Kryptonite affects Kryptonians so strongly because it originated from their birthplace. Perhaps coffee somehow possesses a similar link with the Archangels’ point of origin.”
“But, how can that be?”
“Holy water,” the World’s Greatest Detective suddenly realized. “It isn’t a well known fact, but coffee was originally an Arabic drink that spread to Venice, Italy, in the mid seventeenth century. It wasn’t well received by the common folk until Pope Clement VIII blessed the coffee as an acceptable Christian beverage. It was also rumored that the Vatican’s coffee supply was initially brewed with holy water, for one reason or another.”
“What are you saying?” Diana asked, unable to grasp his point.
“Well, the Pope is supposedly God’s representative on Earth, and their dogma explicitly states that what the Church binds on Earth will be bound in Heaven. Even though coffee is no longer brewed with holy water, perhaps that symbolic gesture centuries ago had a more-than-symbolic impact on beings such as angels and archangels.”
“Would he not have the same reaction to holy water itself, then?”
Bruce shrugged. “Holy water is rarely drunk, but I suppose the possibility exists.” He cocked his head as another thought occurred to him. “This might explain why I never saw Jason Blood drink coffee until recently; perhaps it’s simply been too toxic for demons to accommodate the last four centuries.”
“And it gives celestial beings an enormous energy boost?” Diana hazarded a guess. At the Dark Knight’s nod, she grew contemplative. “This knowledge could prove very useful the next time we face demonic forces. I certainly wished I knew of this when Shayera and I journeyed to Tartarus.”
The unmasked detective nodded in agreement. “In any event, I believe that this situation deserves a closer examination; I will instruct Barbara and Dick to take over for me today.”
Diana looked ready to object. “But, without a demon here to study, what further tests could you possibly—?”
Bruce interrupted the tirade by rubbing the statuesque woman’s shoulders. “That wasn’t the situation that I’m referring to.”
“Oh?” Diana asked before the reality of their situation dawned on her. “Oh. Ohhh!”
Kara held onto Harry tightly as they flew on his motorbike high above the ground—and away from prying eyes. It was not as if she were afraid to fall—she could always dismount the bike and maintain the same altitude and pace under her own power if she so desired—but it seemed almost criminal to waste an excuse to cuddle with her boyfriend. Her day was brightened even further by his willingness to attend her planned shopping excursion. His presence would be a great help to her, as she doubted that Dick Grayson could single-handedly carry around the many purchases the two girls planned on obtaining.
Seeing as how the two had been planning this trip for over a week, it came as a shock to Kara when she spotted Barbara perched atop Wayne Tower in her Batgirl costume.
“Are we early?” the Argosian inquired of her friend once Harry had landed the motorbike. “I thought you said ten o’clock.”
“I did,” Barbara said huffily. “Batman called not twenty minutes ago and ordered Nightwing and I to patrol Gotham today, as he and Wonder Woman have more research to complete.”
“Tough luck,” Kara said sympathetically.
“Tell me about it,” the redhead groused, “and don’t even get me started on their choice of relationship tactics. I mean… a scientific study in the Batcave? Give me a break!”
The blonde extraterrestrial smiled. “By the way, Barb, I want you to meet Joe.”
Harry smiled. “Actually, we’ve already met briefly. Admittedly, we were a bit too preoccupied for a more formal introduction. Joe Black, at your service,” he introduced himself before extending his hand.
“Barbara Gordon,” the lithe crime fighter returned while giving him an incredulous look.
Before any of the trio could comment further, they were joined by the costumed Dick Grayson, whom now called himself Nightwing. “We’ve got trouble,” he announced in lieu of a more formal greeting.
Harry hid a smile. Definitely a Batman tactic, if ever there was one.
“Really?” Barbara asked, perking up slightly. “Gotham’s been almost completely trouble-free, ever since—” she glanced sideways at Harry“—that night.”
“She’s not quite that degree of trouble, thankfully,” the domino-masked man supplied.
“She?” Harry asked curiously.
“Roxy Rocket,” Dick informed. “Her real name is—”
“Roxanne Sutton,” Harry interrupted as he mentally reviewed the League’s files. “Formerly a Hollywood stunt double that lost her job after intentionally making her stunts too dangerous. She’s a thrill junkie and minor thief, but her crimes are essentially benign.”
“Uh… yeah,” the other man eloquently replied. “Anyway, I just saw something that looked remarkably like her rocket flying between some buildings a couple miles east of here.”
“Yeah, she can be a real pain sometimes,” Barbara confessed to her best female friend. “She just loves flirting with death.”
Starting at the girl’s offhanded comment, Harry turned to the blonde at his side. “Uh… Kara? I swear that I’ve never even spoken to the woman in my life, much less done anything else,” he pleaded, to the accompaniment of Dick’s sudden coughing fit.
“She’d better hope so, Mister, or I’ll be forced to have a word with her.”
Meanwhile, Barbara Gordon was growing increasingly confused. She opened her mouth in preparation to rectify the situation, but she was interrupted by the searing screech of a rocket weaving daringly through the skyscrapers around their perch.
Harry smirked, suddenly reminded of his own exploits on a broom.
“I’ll admit that she does seem to like baiting death,” Kara acknowledged as the redheaded woman atop the strange rocket performed another audacious maneuver.
“There’s only one slight problem with that,” Harry added as he remounted his motorbike. “I don’t like being baited. Excuse me for a moment.”
He took off in hot pursuit of the flying Gothamite, leaving behind a dumbstruck Batgirl, a concerned Nightwing, and a slightly scowling Supergirl.
Once Roxy noticed that she was being tailed, she began wildly slaloming between the buildings at a speed no human had any business traveling. After a few repetitions with no noticeably decrease in her lead, Harry decided to take a shortcut. He quickly made both Mortis and himself intangible, then guided the Pooka through any solid obstacles in their path.
As he gained on the voluptuous daredevil, Harry noticed that she began smiling even brighter at his progress. He sighed in resignation before casting the Impediment Jinx on the woman’s vehicle, causing it to immediately pause in midair. A Hover Charm ensured that the suddenly propulsion-less machine wouldn’t plummet to the ground.
“We need to talk,” he announced as Mortis brought him face to face with the somewhat infamous Roxy Rocket.
“Do we?” the attractive villainess demanded archly, before taking in the sight before her. “You know, you’re a pretty good opponent. I was kinda hoping for Batman to pick up my trail, but you may prove even better… So, Cute Stuff, up for a game of Follow the Leader?”
“Thanks, but no thanks,” Harry replied. “I’ve had more than my fill of chases in my life, against a wide range of opponents. I’m afraid that, compared to them, our tame little competition was quite dull.”
Her face fell. “Dull? Then maybe you could give me another chance? You’d see that I—”
“Would be just as easy to catch a second time. What do you hope to get out of it, anyway?”
“The thrill, the excitement, the… oh, don’t you understand?”
Harry smiled slightly. “Yes, I know the pleasure that a nice adrenaline rush can give. I can also see quite clearly that you’ve become addicted to it.” Harry mentally read through her profile again. “You also steadily require bigger and bigger doses of danger, isn’t that right?”
“Why do you care? It’s my business.”
“Oh, I care a great deal when you endanger others on your little jaunts.”
“How else do you think I could get a real thrill? Those movie producers don’t want me to take any real risk; they insist on having a backup of a backup all the time, so I gotta get people to chase me for kicks. Now, how can I get somebody to chase me if I don’t get their attention first?”
Harry considered her reply for a moment. “So… what happens when it can’t get any more exciting?”
“What do you mean?” Roxy asked.
“What will you do when you finally reach the point of having done it all?”
“That’ll never happen!” she dismissed his question. “As long as I survive, I can dare death even more next time. So, there’s no way that I can reach the ultimate thrill and live.”
“So, you’re saying the ultimate thrill is when you finally can’t cheat death, and he finally catches you?” Harry asked slyly.
“Yes, basically… Wait! ‘He’?”
“Yes, ‘he’,” Harry repeated, “or in this case, ‘me’. Because guess what—I just caught you, and you’re still alive.”
“What?“ she looked startled and for the first time looked closer at the man in front of her.
For the Gothamite’s benefit, Harry shifted his clothes into a black hooded robe and called his scythe to his hand. Mortis, catching onto his owner’s intent, transformed himself to his native equestrian form.
Roxy’s eyes widened comically.
“Death, at your service,” Harry added sarcastically.
“But… but… how… why… I mean…” the stunt woman verbally stumbled over herself at the sheer shock of the personage facing her.
“Ironic, isn’t it?” Harry noted. “You just lived through the self-professed highlight of your existence, and you never even realized it.”
“So, this is it, then?” she finally managed to voice. “You’ve finally c-come for me?”
“Oh, no, just after you,” Harry corrected. “You are still very much alive and will remain so for a while longer.”
“Then why did you chase me?”
“Oh, you interrupted my conversation with some friends—and face it; you were trying to draw attention to yourself.”
“You’re here because I interrupted your conversation?” she asked disbelievingly.
Harry smiled at her confusion. “Were you perhaps expecting a declaration of war against my archenemy, for all the times you escaped me?”
The redhead shrugged sheepishly. “Well…”
“Rest assured that I’ve only ever had one real arch-enemy, and I packed him off to Hell ages ago.”
“But… but what am I to do now?” the woman finally managed to ask in a lost tone.
“You’re a talented young woman, I’m sure you’ll find other exciting jobs that don’t involve committing felonies. After all, don’t you think you’ve been going easy on yourself?”
“What do you mean?” she asked, seemingly hurt by the accusation.
“I mean that all of this—” Harry waved a hand at her rocket and its saddlebags “—is scripted. You always plan ahead, prepare things in advance, choose a time… it’s all very predictable. If you wanted a real challenge, you should try operating on the other side of the law. Look at the superheroes, for example—they never know when or where trouble will strike. They have to be ready on a moment’s notice, improvise all the time—all the while wondering who’s going to attack them next. Now, that’s a real thrill. What you’ve been doing is an organized nature hike through life—they’re in the survival camp.”
Roxy’s eyes lit up at the new possibilities. “You really think so?”
“Sure, I’ve seen them in action; their jobs know neither day nor hour. It’s too bad that you prefer the easy way—I could see you working alongside them.“
“Wait a minute! Who said that I preferred the easy way?”
Harry smiled again. “Well, your track record pretty much speaks for itself.”
“What if I decided to change my ways? It’s not too late, is it?”
“Well, I don’t know…” Harry made a show of considering the issue. “Have you done anything incriminating lately?“
“Uh… if you don’t count this stolen manuscript from the university, and the chase right now? Not really.”
“Okay… how about this? You give me the manuscript and I’ll return it for you, stressing that the theft was just a terrible misunderstanding. In return, I’ll okay it with the Bat family for you to be Gotham’s defender for today. If you manage that, then I’ll believe that you can really change. In fact,” he added, “I might even have an opening for an agent in my organization. You ought to know, though, that it can be one of the most dangerous jobs out there.”
“You mean it?” she asked eagerly.
“Absolutely. So, what will it be?”
She tossed him a bag. “Here’s the manuscript. You’ve got yourself a deal, on one condition.”
“And what would that be?”
“I don’t want any special treatment just because I work for you. If I’m supposed to get killed by something, then I’m getting killed by it, alright? I don’t want to lose the thrill of the hunt because I have you in my back pocket.”
Harry nodded in agreement. “All right, no preferential treatment. I promise.”
“Great!” Roxy said in a chipper tone before she looked over the side of her rocket at the nothingness holding her up. “Say… you wouldn’t mind releasing me now, would you? I had best get started.”
“Not at all.” Harry lowered her onto a nearby rooftop before fishing out a spare Zippo from his pocket. “Use this if you need to reach me. Just light it and call for ‘Mr. Black’ and I will hear you. Good luck!”
Harry tipped his hat at the redhead’s departure, then turned Mortis around and returned to his friends.
Just as Barbara Gordon was beginning to come to terms with the rooftop exchange she had witnessed, she spotted Kara’s ‘boyfriend’ galloping back on a translucent horse, wearing a hooded robe, and holding a scythe in one hand.
“Chateauneuf du Pape, 1973,” Dick whispered in her ear.
“What?”
“I’ve found it to be the best cure for a run-in with Mr. Black’s… other side. There’s still a few bottles left in the manor’s wine cellar.”
“Great,” she groaned in relief. 1973. She’d have to keep that in mind.
“What took you, Joe?” she heard Kara ask. “And what’s with the business suit?”
“Err… sorry about that. Forgot to change.” Harry reverted to his casual clothing and shed the scythe as he dismounted Mortis, who once again assumed the form of a motorbike.
“Is she…?” Nightwing started asking in worried tone.
“She’s fine,” Harry assured him. “In fact, you have today off again once we return this manuscript to the university.”
“Pardon?”
“I… pointed a few things out to her, and she decided that she needed an occupational change. She’s filling in for you today as an audition of sorts.”
“An audition for what? Or who?” Barbara asked.
“For me, or rather, for a field agent position of mine. I think she has a lot of potential, if she can control that adrenaline addiction of hers.”
Kara grinned. “I knew I could count on you, Joe. Now we can go shopping after all!”
“Well, at least you’ve got your priorities straight,” Harry replied, his grin matching hers.
Their exchange put true horror into Dick’s features. Even then, he registered when Barbara leaned into him and whispered, “How do you think Superman is taking the idea of those two together?”
Bruce Wayne’s adopted son turned to take in the pair, who were now playfully wrestling around in mid-air.
“I’m not sure, but I’d imagine that Bruce has something in the wine cellar for him, too.”
After the group finished their errands and purchased Barbara her new shoes—along with several other accessories that both Dick and Harry agreed were unnecessary—the two groups separated. While the Gothamites returned to Wayne Manor, Kara insisted on a round-the-world race to Japan, rather than the more expedient Apparation or teleporter trip. Events progressed in their typical manner, which led to a… spirited conversation between the pair as they landed in front of the convention hall in Tokyo.
“Admit it, Joe,” the blonde Argosian insisted, “we could have been here five minutes ago if you had just stopped for directions.”
“I didn’t need directions,” the wizard replied shortly, “because I knew exactly where we were.”
“Then why were you in-route to China?”
Harry shrugged. “Maybe because you said China?”
“I did not. I said Japan.”
“Japan. China. What’s the difference?”
“You mean, besides a distance of several hundred miles, a couple major landmarks, an additional ocean… and the small fact that one is part of a continent while the other’s a chain of islands?”
“Precisely,” Harry answered in a vindicated tone. “Besides those minor trivialities, the two are quite similar.”
“Sure they are,” Kara conceded, “and look! Here comes the welcoming committee.”
“Huh?” Harry intelligently inquired before being swamped in pre-teenaged girls. “A little help?” he nearly begged as he was besieged by the costumed flock. A few of the Oriental Supergirl duplicates actually managed to scale his superior height and were hanging from his arms, while the rest of their companions did their best to tackle the wizard.
“What did you tell them?” Harry demanded as the anxious group’s volume unbelievably increased as they began peppering him with questions from all directions.
“How old are you?” “Are you two getting married?” “Do you have any kids?” “Can you show us real magic?” “Did Izanami really create Death as revenge for her husband seeing her all decayed and stuff when she died?” “Why did you follow travelers at night, Okuri-inu?” “My brother doesn’t believe that you’re real. Can you turn into a black wolf and bite him or something?”
The assaulted magician just glared at the blonde Argosian, who did not even display enough decorum to hide her mirth. A persistent tugging on his coat summoned a slight growl from his clenched teeth—which was rather ineffective, as one of the more limber of the group started making a rather intense survey of his lengthened incisors from her perch atop his shoulder.
Kara laughed harder.
Once Clark returned from cleaning up the shipwreck—which, as he had come to expect from Mr. Black’s involvement, was completely unsalvageable—his first stop was to check on the one and only Lois Lane. It was fortunate that he did so, as he found the female reporter sitting at her desk in a complete daze.
Seeing his arrival, Lois turned to face him. “It’s all true, isn’t it?”
Clark nodded, slightly amused at her unprecedented level of shock.
“He really is Death Incarnate.”
“Among a host of other things,” Clark agreed calmly, having already accepted the man’s… unique background.
“It’s a lot to take in, you know?” she asked rhetorically. “One on hand, you have this really nice guy who helped decorate for our Halloween party, sings karaoke, is addicted to coffee, is dating your baby cousin, saved your dad’s life—how’s he doing, by the way?”
“That’s what Ma wanted to talk about earlier. She took Pa to Doc Frye’s clinic yesterday for a cardiogram, which came back completely clean; they say that his heart and arteries are better now than they’ve been in forty years. The doctors are calling it a miracle.”
“See what I mean? He saved your dad’s life yesterday and mine earlier today, and I can’t figure out why. I mean, he’s Death! He’s got the highest uncontested kill tally of any being in the entire universe! For crying out loud, he just gave me a necklace made out of human eyes!”
Clark shrugged. “Well, it’s the thought that counts, right? Besides, Kara explained it all for us once, and some other research we’ve done agrees with her. As best we can understand, Mr. Black doesn’t kill nearly as many beings as most sources would have you believe. In fact, he even occasionally relents on the decent people of the world, like he did with Pa. For the majority, he just aids the transition after they die.”
“But then why are there so many stories about how evil he is?”
“I can’t answer that, Lois; none of us can, save him. All I know is that history is rarely kind, and it’s often subjective. Now, we do have pretty conclusive proof that several ‘accidents’ are far too coincidental—Mr. Black has even committed a few murders in front of League witnesses. But every time we’ve investigated the circumstances, every last person he’s ever gone after has always done something truly unconscionable. That’s why our best guess is that, aside from Death, he’s also some sort of vengeance agent. In every documented case, it’s as if his… clients have done something to damn themselves to hell, and Mr. Black exists to make sure they get there.”
Lois considered what she had just learned. “Well, I can certainly understand that point of view, but that doesn’t really sound like the makings of a hero, more like a lawless murderer or vigilante. Why did you guys admit him to the League?”
“I actually talked to him shortly after he joined and questioned him on his behavior,” Clark admitted. “He’s given me a lot to think about, both that night and on many occasions since then. When I look over the world we live in today, I sometimes wonder if he doesn’t have the right idea after all. I mean, at the end of the day, what have I really accomplished?”
“What are you on about, Smallville?” Lois demanded incredulously. “You’ve saved the world dozens of times.”
“But what was the point, Lois? How many times did I put away Luthor, or Metallo, or Parasite—only to have them escape from prison and destroy more innocent lives? I’ve had the opportunity to finish each and every one of them—dozens of times—but I’ve always hesitated, I’ve always trusted that the system might finally reach them if I just gave them one more chance. But with Mr. Black, he does what must be done… what no one else will do.”
Lois put a hand on the man’s shoulder. “You did the right thing by sparing them. You always do.”
“Do I really?” Clark honestly asked. “Because I’m not so certain anymore. Sure, his methods are even darker than Bruce’s at his worst, but he gets results. A couple of weeks ago, Alfred almost died of an untreatable disease, and Bruce promised Mr. Black whatever he wanted if only he’d spare Alfred’s life. He accepted and restored Alfred to perfect health. In payment, Black collected the worst of Batman’s rogue gallery like Two-Face, Riddler, and Scarecrow. For some reason, he left the Joker completely paralyzed from the waist down but otherwise alive.”
“So that’s what happened to them,” Lois realized. “I had wondered why things seemed so quiet over there.”
The Man of Steel nodded. “Within twenty four hours, felonious crime in Gotham dropped 95 percent. Batman’s been trying to accomplish that for the past couple decades, and Mr. Black cleaned up the entire city in a single night—and it doesn’t stop with just Gotham. We’ve noticed a significant drop in major crimes planet wide, given how many super villains we know are still at large. All the data we’ve reviewed and the criminal informants we’ve questioned give the same explanation—most of the criminals that have repeatedly taken advantage of our past leniency are now laying low, out of fear of committing a crime grave enough to earn Mr. Black’s notice.”
“I’ve seen the statistics, and everyone agrees that things are safer than they’ve been in a long time… but isn’t this the sort of thing that you said led to the Justice Lords?”
“I know that, Lois. Believe me, I know; those versions of us didn’t—or couldn’t—use their power responsibly… but somehow, Mr. Black has avoided that trap. He does whatever it takes, eliminates the true dangers to humanity, and yet never crosses that last thin line from dark hero to villain. The general population isn’t terrified of him the way that they were of the Justice Lords, and he’s done nothing to harm the innocent in any way. In fact, he’s even been rehabilitating a couple of people that we had considered beyond hope.”
“And that,” Clark stated in a tone of finality, “is why Mr. Black is part of the Justice League. He may not always follow the letter of the law, but he does uphold its spirit.”
“Careful, Clark,” a male voice cautioned dryly. “You’ll make me blush.”
The two whirled around to find Harry reclining in another desk chair no further than ten feet from their huddle.
“Umm… Hello, Mr. Black,” Lois greeted, before subtly attempting to discover how much he overheard. “I hope you haven’t been waiting long.”
Harry sighed. “We’re back to ‘Mr. Black’ already? I thought this issue was already resolved. To answer your question, however… no, I haven’t. I popped in around about the time Clark started stroking my ego. And for the record? I think you behave honorably—hopelessly naive and overly idealistic at times, but honorably all the same. If it makes you feel better, I used to believe just as you do… a few lifetime’s ago. Such innocence became… unrealistic.”
“If that’s how you feel, then why stop with just a few criminals? Why not go after them all?” Lois could not help but ask.
Silence stretched between them for several moments.
“I’ll kill in a fight,” the wizard finally admitted. “I’ll kill those who truly deserve it, and I won’t look back—but I won’t kill someone before they’ve earned it just because I know what they will do in the future.”
“Why not?” she asked.
“There’s a… separation, a line between us and them,” Harry eventually explained. “It may not be as thin as most people think, but it’s still a difficult line to walk.” He smiled sadly. “And someone has to walk it.” Forcibly brightening his expression, the wizard asked, “So… how’s tricks?”
Getting the unspoken message to change the topic, she replied, “I’m fine. What can the Daily Planet do for you?”
Smiling, the wizard said, “Actually, I was wondering if Clark could come out and play.”
“Huh?” Lois fluently inquired.
“I just escaped from the ambush that Kara set up with her hormonal pack of midget minions—I’m never doing that again, by the way—and was wondering when you wanted to do that little construction project,” Harry prompted.
“Oh! Right! Sorry, I forgot,” Clark blurted, still embarrassed at being caught gossiping by Death of all people. The situation was worsened further by Mr. Black being the topic of discussion as well. “We can leave now, if you wish. By the way, these are for you.” The reporter handed Harry a closed paper sack.
Investigating, the wizard discovered what appeared to be a batch of homemade cookies. Harry looked at the Kryptonian curiously.
“Ma wanted you to have those,” Clark replied to the nonverbal question.
Harry nodded. “That was nice of her. I’ll have to drop by and thank her later.” He retrieved a couple of the confections and offered the bag to the reporting team.
Grabbing the most chocolate-covered cookie in the parcel, Lois inserted, “Well, let’s get going.” At the pair of questioning glances, she added, “What? You’re about to establish contact with a supposedly dead civilization. Surely you didn’t think that I’d just wait here, did you?”
Clark looked at Harry as if to say, ‘What can you do?’
The magician shrugged in reply and hopped out of his commandeered chair. “S’alright with me. Shall we?”
The roar of the female crowd silenced by Queen Hippolyta’s raised hand. “As you know,” the Amazonian monarch began, “today marks the beginning of our annual harvest festival. This year, however, we are honored by the presence of our warrior sisters from beyond Themyscira’s shores. I ask that you welcome them among you for the first—but, hopefully, not the last—time.”
The enthroned blonde queen paused for a moment and surveyed the eager combatants vying for the honor of the best warrior on the island, as well as the curious gazes of the foreign visitors.
“All of you have been training hard this past year to prepare for this day… for the title of Champion of the Island.” Hippolyta sat down. “Let it begin,” she ordered.
Cheers erupted in anticipation as dozens of armed women filed into the arena. Their forms bore many varying styles of armor, and the majority carried swords and shields—though a few possessed simpler weapons such as spears and nets.
The new arrivals spread out on the field of battle and glared at their opponents.
With nothing more than a wave from their queen, the warriors sprung into action.
“So, Lois, do you think that you’ve got enough material for a Page One now?” Harry asked a trifle testily.
Thanks to a couple of Apparations and an Engorgement Charm, Harry had the shrunken city of Kandor restored on Argo’s surface in a matter of moments. The trio then met with the city’s council and apprised them of the situation. Due in large part to Clark’s previous conversations with the other Kryptonians, the session did not last nearly as long as Harry initially feared, and the wizard prepared himself to return back to Earth.
Until, of course, Lois’s journalistic fervor completely overwhelmed her, inspiring the violet-eyed woman to ask several questions of Argo’s new inhabitants. The interviews started simply enough, mere inquisitions into the Kryptonian way of life and how the city came to be stolen by Brainiac years prior.
Harry smiled as the woman’s inquiry resulted in an uneasy Clark being named an ‘honored guest’ as the Savior of Krypton. In fact, Harry’s amusement at the other man’s latest case of hero worship lasted until the sharp-tongued woman exposed his own level of involvement with the city’s restoration.
Not for the first time, Harry wondered if he could justify some sort of ‘accident’ for his two companions as the leaders of Kandor very nearly genuflected in worship. Considering the identical smirks the duo were sporting—though Clark at least attemptedto conceal his grin—the wizard was positive that journalists were an evil blight worthy of extermination.
Well, except for the Lovegoods, of course. Some of the time, anyway.
With much regret, Harry learned that word traveled fast in the extraterrestrial city, as the populace demonstrated no restraint in their demonstrations of appreciation during the trio’s tour of the municipality—hence the wizard’s ire at a particular female reporter of his acquaintance.
“Yeah, that should do it,” Lois idly replied to his sarcastic inquiry as she finished yet another notebook.
“Fantastic!” Harry grumbled. “Bye, now,” he irritably said to the closest Kryptonian groupies before returning the pair to Clark’s icy fortress post haste.
Bidding the duo farewell—however insincerely the comment may have been given—he Apparated back to the Watchtower.
Perhaps this time, he might finally catch a few moments’ rest.
“Why do we not attack them now?” the flaxen female companion demanded with barely concealed impatience. “Hippolyta and her little entourage are already distracted. You can sneak in and free Lord Hades right now. Then we three will finally have our revenge on those self-righteous Amazons.”
“Patience, child,” the broad-shouldered man ordered. “All things come in their own time. Your former peers are not to be taken lightly. Now, Aresia, go forth and do as your god commands. Be wary, for if you fail me in this, your punishment will be… severe. Never forget who it was who saved you from death at the hands of your former friends.”
“I will succeed,” the disgraced Amazon known as Aresia pledged. “You have my oath, Lord Ares.” The woman turned and left their hiding place stealthily. Her male companion tarried a moment longer in observance of the formalized combat before he, too, withdrew towards his objective.
“Well done, Sisters,” Hippolyta exclaimed after the finalists were selected. “You have all fought bravely and acquitted yourselves honorably. Now, today’s final match will be held between—”
“The two of us,” Aresia interrupted as she strode into view. “By Amazonian law, I have the right to challenge you for the throne.”
“You lost that right when you violated our laws,” the Amazonian queen asserted as a troop of guards encircled the blonde challenger. “You forfeited any and all rights to the name Amazon.”
Aresia sneered. “I did what our laws demand, what you’ve grown too weak to do. Mankind is a plague that must be wiped out if we are to survive.”
“I do not understand,” Starfire admitted confusedly to Raven. “Has she too met friend Beast Boy?”
Kara overheard the other extraterrestrial and smiled slightly. “No, she tried to kill off everything with a Y chromosome a few years ago. Sort of takes feminism to a whole new level, doesn’t it?”
“How terrible!” the Tamaranian princess cried as the troop of guards escorted Aresia to an audience with Hippolyta.
“So, what do you say, Your Majesty?” the rogue Amazon demanded.
“You were forbidden from ever stepping foot upon Themyscira again, on pain of death,” the matriarch stated firmly. “It was foolish of you to return here alone.”
“But she’s not alone,” Ares contradicted as he swaggered into view, the blonde captive taking the opportunity to escape to the new arrivals’ side.
“Ares,” the queen greeted coldly.
“It’s nice to see you as well, daughter,” the blonde man replied, not shaken in the slightest. “And I brought a friend,” the Greek god of war informed gleefully. “I believe that you two have already met.”
A second male figure stepped out from behind Ares. “Hello, Hippolyta.”
“Hades,” the blonde ruler and her eldest daughter spat in unison.
“You look well, my dear,” the other deity greeted smugly. Looking at the hostile Wonder Woman, he added, “And you are looking exceptionally lovely, my child.”
“I am not your child,” Diana asserted. “What are you doing here? In fact, how did you even get free? I destroyed the key years ago!”
“Oh, your grandfather here borrowed Pandora’s old plaything,” he confessed while pointing to the earthen jar in Ares’ grip. “I believe the mortals refer to it as Pandora’s Box these days. Quite a powerful little item, don’t you agree?”
“I thought you planned on remaining in your realm after our last conversation,” the Amazonian champion prompted.
“Yes, well… Tartarus becomes tediously dull after a while, and when Ares dropped by with troubling news regarding my baby brother on Mt. Olympus… how could I refuse?”
The other armored man smirked. “And I suppose that Persephone’s little ‘autumn cleaning’ had nothing to do with it?”
“Why does that blasted woman want to put up curtains in my palace?!” Hades exploded. “We live in the under-world! There’s no sun to shine down there!”
Ares nodded sympathetically. “They’re a strange breed. You wouldn’t believe what Athena and Artemis have been up to recently…”
While the two gods were commiserating, Diana discretely addressed the Leaguers nearest her. “If this escalates, do not attack them directly. Hades is a clever opponent, and Ares only grows stronger off strife and discord.”
“The League comms are down,” Shayera advised. “Blondie over there must be blocking them somehow. Not that we could bring any male reinforcements here without ticking off Mommy dearest again anyway.”
“The law only forbids mortal men from Themyscira,” the eldest Amazonian princess corrected. “Male gods are still allowed.”
The metaphorical penny dropped. “Shoot!” Kara cursed at her offline earpiece. “I really need to get one of those cigarette lighter things from Joe. Did you bring one, Raven?”
“No, I didn’t,” her quasi stepdaughter confessed, “and I doubt we have the time for me to search out Father’s mind.”
“Do the best you can,” Diana decided. “With both Hades and Ares against us, I fear we may need Mr. Black’s help. In the meanwhile, I need a few of you to get some things from the Javelin and take them to the kitchen staff…”
While the Leaguers took the brief reprieve to strategize, Aresia approached the two deities. “May we attack them now?” the blonde female demanded. “I want to claim the crown that you promised me.”
Hades looked at the woman and chuckled darkly. “This girl child seems nearly as bloodthirsty as you, nephew,” the underworld deity noted.
The god of war nodded in agreement. “But she forgets her place,” he added with a glare in the former Amazon’s direction, “not to mention that I only promised to get her here.” Addressing the woman directly, he said, “Winning your trophy is up to you.”
“Hera and the other goddesses will not stand for this, Ares,” Hippolyta proclaimed. “They’ll notice that Tartarus was once again breached and will no doubt be here soon to stop you.”
The god of war’s satisfied smile grew larger as he hefted the decorated urn. “Guess again! I used this little gem to make sure that our jailbreak goes unnoticed back home, though I suppose that something will have to be done to stop you from running off to tattle before we’re ready…”
Hades made a summoning gesture whose meaning was soon understood as an army of undead soldiers rose from the ground and joined the phalanxes of demons escaping from Tartarus.
“It’s nothing personal, Hippolyta,” the god of the underworld called out idly, “but you did betray me the last time I was freed, and it is rather important that I get back to Olympus.”
“You’re mad!” the queen stated spitefully. “You’ll never get away with this! Sisters, to battle!”
“And just when we were having such a lovely conversation,” Hades faux-complained in a suffering tone. “Ah, well.”
A nod of his brunette head sent the assembled dark forces into a full-out charge against the advancing Amazons.
Harry awoke with a sudden abrupt pain in his scar. Quickly regaining his senses, the wizard closed his eyes again and groaned.
“Not a-bloody-gain! The last time, it was a ruddy night club full of dark creatures! Can’t the bloody universe hold itself together for five minutes?!”
Another spike inflamed his nervous system. “Fine!” Harry shouted to his empty room as he pulled on his boots. “I’m going, I’m going!”
“This is completely nuts!” Black Canary complained as she and Vixen rushed several casks from the Amazon’s kitchen staff back to the battlefield. “You know that right?”
Mari shrugged. “We’re on a magically hidden island paradise, full of immortal man-hating women, and are under attack by two mythological beings and an army of animated corpses and actual demons. I’m willing to take a few things on faith.”
“But this?” Dinah demanded incredulously. “There’s a fight going on upstairs, and we’re catering imported coffee?!”
“Magic’s funny that way,” the African heroine noted as they approached the active battlefield. “Almost as strange as most magicians I’ve met. Hey, Diana!” the beast-powered woman shouted, waving at the in-flight Amazon to get her attention.
The female known the world over as Wonder Woman landed next to them. “Good job,” the Amazonian champion congratulated as she shouldered two of the large containers. “Now we’ll see if Batman is as clever as he believes.”
Diana swiftly flew over one of the largest cluster of advancing demons and opened the casks, splattering the dark brown liquid on the aggressors. Just as the Dark Knight predicted, the coffee affected the demonic horde much like concentrated acid, causing the wicked foot soldiers to halt in pain. The few devils with the greatest exposure seemed to actually dissolve before their eyes.
Seeing their colleague’s success, the other League personnel began assaulting the other nefarious threats with the beverage.
Meanwhile, the two males present stood a distance away from the skirmish, nonchalantly talking amongst themselves after having sent Aresia off to fight her ultimate nemesis, Hippolyta.
“You know,” Hades noted, “Diana is a rather gifted warrior, as are her comrades. Don’t you agree, Ares?”
The blonde man nodded. “I’ll give you that,” he admitted, “but their planet wide patrols have caused the rest of the world to grow lazy and weak. Look at all the invasions of Earth these past few years! You get a small, ragtag band of invaders—never more than a few hundred—and the entire planet turns belly up. It’s disgusting! My Spartans could have decimated any of those threats single-handedly, and that was over two thousand years ago! The armies of today are pathetic, weak little worms who moan about peace and mercy!”
The dark-haired god of the Underworld shrugged. “Personally, I’m more concerned with your reports of Zeus proponing the League from behind the scenes. He’s already sent Diana and her friend to Tartarus once; if he once again starts meddling in deathly affairs beyond his comprehension…”
“That’s why I broke you out,” Ares confirmed. “Maybe you can force Father to change his decision. If not, well… not all of the Titans are dead.”
The senior god nodded in agreement. “True. Shall we go?”
As if he was responding to the invitation, Harry Apparated into the vacant area directly in front of the two deities. Looking around briefly, he finally addressed the pair. “I take it that you two are somehow responsible for all this?” he hazarded a guess.
“You could say that,” Hades agreed. “Why do you ask?”
“Just making sure that I have the right lowlifes,” the new arrival announced. “Reducto. Rpom.” As the pair surprisingly regained their feet, Harry smiled grimly and drew his swords. “This ought to be good! Now then, let’s discuss this need of yours to attack my girlfriend and daughter with an evil undead army of freaks…”
“How many demons does this guy have?!” Kara demanded as her group coffee’d another demon platoon. As soon as the opposing force was thinned, she and Galatea flew in and began smashing the animated skeletons with whatever was at hand.
“Just right off the top of my head?” her somewhat-identical twin asked. “A lot.” Another squad of reinforcements crawled out of the ground and moved to engage them. “And here comes a few dozen more.”
Her eyes narrowed at the advancing menaces, Raven growled, “Stop it already!”
Much to her surprise, the walking skeletons did precisely that. Their sudden halt had a similar effect on the interspersed demons, who were both baffled and worried that the smallest member of the opposition could command their allies so easily.
The teenaged witch smiled as the explanation behind this fortuitous turn of events registered. “Thank you, Father,” she announced with a decidedly wolfish grin.
“Father?” one of the brighter demons demanded in the unannounced ceasefire.
Raven nodded. “Mr. Black” she responded simply.
The reaction was instantaneous.
“The Spawn of Black!” several demons yelled as they ran back towards the rear of the army, bowling over their colleagues in the process. “Run away!”
The purple-haired girl smirked. “I could get used to this,” she confessed.
“Hey, the cavalry’s arrived,” Shayera noted as she pointed towards the other end of the battlefield. The three battling magicians were all sporting superficial injuries as they exchanged melee weapon hits and devastating magical blasts.
Kara looked over at the other fight, smiling as Harry Banished Ares into a support column and opened a gash on Hades’ leg with his fire-covered sword. The Argosian then winced as the god of the underworld momentarily blinded her boyfriend with a series of fireballs as the other man advanced whilst brandishing his own sword.
“We’ve got to help him!” the young blonde woman exclaimed.
“Kara, wait!” Shayera called. “Don’t just go—”
The blue-clad Supergirl made a beeline towards the magical battle.
“—charging off,” the Thanagarian detective finished belatedly before taking in the relentless undead attacking their allies. “Well, isn’t this just peachy?” she demanded before once more enthusiastically braining demons with her mace.
Harry silently growled in frustration. He was running through his normal repertoire of spells and tactics, but the two beings facing off against him seemed to share his unusual recovery time. In the amount of time it took him to dispatch one of the pair, the other had already recuperated and was preparing to resume a second simultaneous fight.
‘This isn’t good!’ Harry thought feverously. ‘I could really use a new plan right about now!’
The fact that his two adversaries were showing signs of strain as well came as small consolation; their alternating attacks were not occurring as frequently, or with as much intensity, as before.
“Incoming,” the black-haired deity informed his blonde colleague. Both Harry and the fair-haired warrior glanced in the indicated direction, only to find Kara heading right for them with Galatea, Shayera, and Raven following closely behind.
“I’ve got them,” Ares replied before aiming the earthen container in his grasp. A bright white light flew towards the approaching Leaguers.
Harry’s eyes bulged in what would have been considered a comic fashion in any other circumstance, and he instinctively analyzed the situation. Chief among his observations was the realization that the magical blast was heading towards some of the most important people in his life. With the energy’s intensity, the wizard doubted that a shield would be sufficient to redirect the blast. Banishing the small group out of the way would not solve the true problem, as the presumably lethal spell would continue on its path and strike several more of his unsuspecting friends. His mind desperately latching onto a plan with a small chance of success, Harry jumped into motion.
His sword once more becoming a scythe, Harry Apparated in front of the League’s representatives and set his feet for the impending collision.
‘I’m going to feel this one in the morning—I hope,’ the wizard thought resignedly as the ominous weapon began absorbing the mysterious spell. To his immense surprise, his inane tactic actually seemed to be working; the broad magical beam was diverted straight to his position, not unlike lightning to a grounding rod.
Harry suddenly decided that the metaphor may have been ill chosen, as his scythe grew warm and began glowing as brightly as the magical vase in the suddenly dumbstruck blonde’s hand. The warm sensation grew frighteningly more intense, and a tingling feeling began creeping up his arms from where he clenched the weapon’s shaft.
‘Bugger!’ Harry mentally swore as the feedback suddenly reached critical mass and detonated. The magical blast temporarily blinded the wizard as his form was sent flying across the battlefield, ultimately embedding itself deeply in the inconveniently placed hillside. Adding insult to injury, the collision dislodged some of the ground cover overhead, concealing the newly hewn cave beneath the miniature avalanche. The explosion also served to halt the other skirmishes, as combatants on both sides took in the sudden landscaping.
“What a pity,” Ares commented to his uncle, easily overheard by all nearby in the sudden stillness. “He was truly a skilled warrior.”
Hades nodded. “For a moment, I was beginning to wonder whether he might actually defeat us.”
The blonde man looked at his now powerless urn. “Well, this thing’s completely drained, so I guess he lost,” Ares said pointedly as he carelessly discarded the used vessel. “Nobody could have survived that.”
“Ow!” Harry muttered as he regained his senses. “What the frack hit me?” As his vision cleared, he found himself buried in a shallow pit with only his scythe for illumination.
“Wait a second,” he vocalized confusedly. “Since when does my scythe glow? It looks almost like… that… jar,” Harry suddenly realized. The repercussions of his latest mishap with the magical super weapon dawned, leaving him smiling in a very unfriendly way.
“Right then,” the wizard nodded to himself, “time for Round Two.”
Turning his attention back to the stalled battle, Ares glanced at his uncle and asked, “Well… I’m getting bored. Shall we finish it?” His attention—and that of everyone else nearby—was immediately drawn to the sudden explosion.
“You know,” Harry began idly as he marched out of his would-be tomb and reduced a few of the more bothersome foot soldiers to soggy bits, “I didn’t ask for any of this.”
Another rapid burst of spell fire was dispersed into the infantry, to even further devastating effect.
“All I wanted was a little vacation; you know, just some time to have a semblance of a normal life.”
Three more battalions of demons were shredded by invisible and intangible means.
“A little time alone… see a show, get drunk and maybe rearrange the countryside or update my collection of road signs… stuff like that. But no!”
The wizard began gesturing irritably, to the accompaniment of further destruction.
“Not only do I get rampaging mutant sea turtles, power-mad dictators, magically inclined vampires, whiny future superheroes and—let’s not forget—the bloody weekly demon invasions,” Harry complained, “but then I had to hop around the ruddy multiverse putting out fires. Then, when I finally get a few moments rest, you go and breach a hell dimension to raise an undead army!”
Given his current temperament, Harry’s form rapidly dissolved into a ranting skeleton, the magically-upgraded scythe glowing in accompaniment to his vitriol. The dread weapon flared briefly, and the front ranks of the undead horde were instantly reduced to a conflagration.
“It’s gotten to the point that I can’t even get a good night’s sleep anymore, and I’ve! Had! Enough!” Harry shouted, while pointing one skeletal finger at the two suddenly wary gods. “If I have to plant every last one of you dark wankers six feet under to get some shut eye around here, then I will!”
By this point, the remains of the once-menacing army decided that a strategic withdrawal was in order and promptly fled. Harry spotted this movement and, without considering his actions all that heavily, swung his radiant weapon in a manner reminiscent of a golfer readying for a long drive. A professional athlete he was not, but the aggravated and sleep-deprived incarnation of death did succeed in hurling the two remaining threats in the same general direction as their former army. The involuntarily-flying individuals soon overtook their forces on the ground, soaring straight through the fiery portal as if hit by a large invisible club.
Not content with the retreating dark creatures’ pace, Harry chased the stragglers through the gateway. Aside from the various assorted skeletons and demons, he spotted one apparently human enemy facing off against who he believed to be Diana’s mother, Hippolyta. In the event that she had something to do with the breached portal, he restrained his homicidal instincts and stunned the woman. An additional couple of brief charms had the blonde woman bound in rope and levitated several feet off the ground.
Continuing on past the portal’s threshold, the wizard cast a Locking Charm on the doors to prevent any stragglers from escaping back onto the occupied island. Turning around, the wizard searched for his two primary opponents, but saw nothing more than the rapidly shrinking backs of the assorted dark creatures.
“You’re not getting off that easily!” Harry called out angrily as he progressed further into the fiery domain. “Show yourselves, cowards!” He immediately ducked the twin bars of flame that passed just over his head. “Ah,” the mage noted to himself as he returned fire, “there you are.”
Reasoning that if one Banishing Charm was good then two must be better, Harry caught his raven-haired opponent with an encore hex and sent the man flying into an oddly glowing river.
“Oh, no, you don’t!” he called, before sending bolts of lightning into the water where the armored figure submerged. Smirking slightly, Harry glanced around the inhospitable region. “Now, where did the other one go…?” he wondered aloud.
The wizard’s question was soon answered as the whistling noise of an oncoming broadsword from behind brought his own blade sweeping around to block the craven attack. “Now, that’s just plain rude,” Harry commented as the pair exchanged several parries.
“Don’t you ever die?!” the blonde man roared disbelievingly.
“Odd. I was thinking exactly the same thing about you.”
Apparently, the flaxen swordsman had a short temper, as he discarded his sword and made as if to cast a spell. Harry instinctively did the same, and the colliding blasts of energy were sufficient to send both combatants flying.
In continuation of the established theme, the blonde-haired deity found himself flung into the luminescent river near his uncle, while Harry’s temporarily stunned frame landed in another adjacent body of water.
“What is going on here?” a stern female voice demanded, interrupting a huddle around the Tartarus gate.
“Lady Athena, Lady Artemis,” Hippolyta greeted as the Amazons present knelt. “You honor us with your presences.”
“Rise, my daughters,” the goddess of wisdom instructed as her red-haired companion waited impatiently for an answer to her question. “What has happened?”
“It was your brother Ares, my Lady,” the Amazonian queen informed. “He stole onto Themyscira and broached the gates of Tartarus, releasing Hades and his armies upon us.”
Athena frowned. “No single god should have been able to penetrate Hephaestus’s protections. How was this done?”
Hippolyta motioned for one of the Amazons bearing the discarded urn to approach. “He used this, my Lady.”
“Pandora’s Urn?” the Greek goddess of wisdom breathed.
“’Urn’?” Raven questioned. “I thought it was supposed to be a box.”
“A corruption of the original tale,” Athena waved off the matter as the two new arrivals examined the container.
Artemis squinted at the item. “It looks like the airhead emptied it, too.”
“Ares is no fool,” the other deity answered. “He knows the consequences to humanity if such a thing ever happened.”
In reply, the goddess of the hunt removed the container’s lid—to no obvious effect.
“What would have possessed him to do such a thing?” Athena wondered aloud disbelievingly.
Having been closest to the scene, Kara relayed the sequence of events to the two new arrivals. Once finished, she asked, “What’s the big deal, anyway? If I remember the story right, wasn’t Hope all that remained locked inside that thing?”
Athena smiled slightly. “Not Hope, my child,” she gently disagreed. “The mortal world has known Hope for ages, all because the greatest of all misfortunes has remained incarcerated. In actuality, what remained locked inside the urn was Anticipation of Misfortune, Hope’s antithesis.”
Seeing that her half-sister’s explanation left too much unexplained, Artemis intervened. “Consider the bleakest day imaginable, then add the knowledge that it could only ever worsen no matter what you did. That’s the crisis that Mr. Black averted, though I’m surprised that his tactic actually worked. There’s not that many people out there who would even try to absorb a Primal Force, for fear of being destroyed if nothing else.”
“That idiot!” Kara grumbled. “I’m going to break him of this habit if it’s the last thing I do.”
“Good luck,” Athena offered resignedly. “Despite everything else, he’s still ultimately just a man, and men come in two main types: overbearing and overprotective.”
“And then there’s people like Joe, who somehow manage to do both simultaneously,” Kara agreed.
Artemis grinned. “Well, he is Mr. Black, after all. Speaking of which, Athena, don’t you think we should check on them? They’ve been gone a while now.”
“May as well,” the other goddess agreed before the pair disappeared, leaving Kara growling at being left behind again.
“So,” Hippolyta said conversationally once the Amazons and Leaguers were alone, “Erebos once more walks the Earth. Perhaps he will remain here a while; it has been a long time since his last visit, and I rather missed him.”
“I know I’m going to regret this,” Shayera avowed, “but who… or what, is Erebos?”
“And why didn’t you ever mention knowing Mr. Black before?” Diana added.
“To answer your question, Shayera, Erebos—or, as you might recognize it, Erebus—is the primeval Darkness. His name literally translates into—”
“Let me guess,” Kara interrupted. “Some sort of play on the word ‘Black’?”
The Amazonian monarch paused momentarily. “Well, yes. The literal translation is ‘Deep blackness or shadow’. He is the son of the primordial god Chaos, and is the brother of Lady Nyx.”
“And for the hat trick,” the Thanagarian continued, “does… Erebos have anything to do with death or the underworld?”
Diana answered for her mother. “While some confuse him with Hades himself, Erebos is actually where the dead must pass immediately after dying. He is a… distribution center, of sorts, for deceased souls. It is not until a soul leaves Erebos that it encounters Charon’s ferry and enters the afterlife proper. What I want to know, Mother,” the Amazon princess exclaimed, “is how you know him as well as you say.”
“Yes, Sister, do enlighten the young ones,” the Queen’s dark-skinned Captain of the Guard instructed. “I would love to hear the story again myself.”
Hippolyta rolled her eyes. “Hush, Phillippa,” the blonde monarch gently admonished. “It’s not that riveting a tale.”
Upon receiving the inquiring looks from the two princesses, the military officer decided to share the tale herself. “It was millennia ago, before we Amazons ever received Themyscira. Your mother was no more than eight summers’ old when she decided that we would explore the wilderness near our settlement. Well, things progressed and we soon found ourselves lost and without supplies by the time that Apollo had crossed the sky. Seeking shelter for the night, we stumbled upon what we thought was an empty cave. However, the cave already had an occupant—one giant, sleeping, midnight-colored wolf.”
The blonde queen closed her eyes and emitted a slight groan, causing the narrator to smile wider. “Briefly put, your mother attempted to defeat the wolf by bashing its head in with a sharpened rock she had found. Unfortunately, she succeeded only in rousing the great beast and aggravating it. The wolf gave chase, and we ended up taking a midnight swim after running off the trail and landing in a small lake. When we surfaced, we found the animal calmly sitting on the shoreline with its tongue lolled out of its mouth. After Hippolyta exhausted her rather… colorful vocabulary at the wolf’s honor and pedigree, it twisted itself into a man and we suddenly found ourselves standing dry in front of him.”
At this point, the Amazons’ leader had turned a rather fetching shade of red.
“Anyway,” Phillippa continued relentlessly, “the man began chastising us both for wondering off into the woods unsupervised, before escorting us back to the cave. I remember that it was a chilly night, which he didn’t seem to notice until we mentioned it. He set up camp, fixed us dinner and—as we found out the next morning—kept watch the entire night as we slept. The next morning, he produced a horse from somewhere, and we rode it while he led us back the way we had traveled. It was during the journey that we learned his name, though it wasn’t until we had arrived home that we learned who he truly was. In any event, we ran into a search party around midday and, once he was assured that we were well, he disappeared. We haven’t seen or heard of him since… until today. A fact which disquieted your mother for many a year, if you know what I mean.”
“Mother!” Diana blurted, shocked at what she had just learned.
Hippolyta shrugged. “You must admit that he is a handsome god and not without a certain charm. True, he’s rather grouchy when woken prematurely, but I suppose that even gods are allowed their foibles. So,” the queen changed the subject, “he calls himself ‘Mr. Black’ now, does he?”
Surfacing from the river where he had landed, the hydrated Death dried himself. ‘Odd,’ a detached part of Harry’s mind noted, ‘this river looks awfully different to the other one. Definitely magical, though. If I grow another arm or something, I am so kicking their arses again!’
Putting his concerns regarding the fluid’s nature out of his mind, the mage searched for his opponents. He found the blonde swordsman in short order, lackadaisically swimming around the unconsciously floating brunette.
“An awful lot of water around here to be a hell dimension,” Harry noted aloud. The blonde warrior seemed to forget all about their fight, a fact which his opponent utilized. A second electrocution later, Harry levitated two unconscious bodies out of the water. Dropping the defeated men at his feet, the wizard pondered his next move.
“I suppose the honorable thing would be to take them captive at this point,” Harry mused aloud as he stared at his sleeping captives, “especially since the usual stuff isn’t working.”
Considering the situation for a few moments, he finally smiled. “Nah!”
The two goddesses materialized inside Tartarus some time later, near where they sensed their missing relations. “I don’t believe it,” Artemis admitted.
Athena smiled as Harry rode past on Mortis, all the while dragging two yelling gods behind him as the giant three-headed hellhound Cerberus gave chase. Combined with the cheering demon spectators, the impromptu rodeo was quite a spectacle. “I believe that I win our little wager, dear Artemis.”
Grumbling to herself, the redhead dug through a pocket before handing Athena several gold coins. “I still can’t believe that you bet against your own brother and uncle,” she complained.
“Never underestimate the power of sheer stubbornness and dumb luck,” she advised. “Now, do you suppose that their reputations have suffered enough, yet?”
“Oh, I’d say irreparably so,” Artemis professed. “Not even Hades can be intimidating when someone gives him a black eye and a split lip, shaves him bald, dresses him in a pink ballerina’s outfit, and then drags him all over his own realm while using him as a chew toy for his own dog.”
“I thought so, too,” the goddess of wisdom seconded. As the caravan passed near their location, she stepped forward and hailed its conductor.
“Hey, Thena, Artie,” Harry greeted as he stunned his two passengers again. “Didn’t expect to see you here. What’s up?”
“We might ask you the same question, Joe. Are you three having fun?”
“Tremendously. What can I do for you?”
“Well, from what we’ve gathered, those two were planning an invasion, just not of Earth. Apparently, they planned to… discuss something with our father.”
Harry nodded. “Ah! I see. Well, don’t worry about it. I’m still experimenting, but I’m sure to find something that’ll finally kill them sooner or later.”
The blonde woman shook her head. “That’s the thing. Whatever prompted them to try something this desperate may be important.”
“I guess we’ll never know,” the wizard replied as he ran a thumb lightly over his axe’s sharp edge.
“What she’s trying to say,” Artemis inserted, “is that you can’t kill them.”
Harry grinned slightly. “Actually, I believe that you’ll find that I can.” He looked back down at the oblivious pair. “True, I haven’t quite managed it yet, but it’s only a matter of time.”
“Would it change your methods any if I said that he’s my brother?” Athena asked.
He thought for a moment. “I’d probably make a point of consoling you later,” he offered.
Undaunted, the fair-haired female continued, “Is killing the pair of idiots that important to you? I mean, you have humiliated them beyond all measure.”
Harry looked at the women disbelievingly. “They broke open a hell dimension, launched an invasion on the Amazon nation, and attacked both my girlfriend and daughter with an undead army—while I’m supervising all things Death in this universe.” He snorted. “Yes, I’d say that their termination’s a given at this point.”
At her half-sister’s helpless look, Artemis sighed before asking, “You do know that, if you kill them, you’ve got to take their jobs over, right?”
The mage blinked. “Come again. What jobs?”
“The blonde one there is our brother Ares, the god of violent warfare and slaughter. The black-haired one’s our uncle Hades, the Lord of the Grecian Underworlds—including this dump,” the redheaded archer explained. “If they die, whoever’s responsible gets stuck with their responsibilities.”
“Bugger!” Harry swore before putting away the axe. “Well, since killing them is out of the question, I guess I need to imprison them somehow.”
In answer to his invitation, the Crystal Skull he had retrieved from its hiding place on the Dark Continent appeared in the wizard’s hand and gave off a tremendously bright light. As the group watched, ghostly forms rose from the two corporeal bodies, each identical in general appearance to its body of origin. In an instant, the Skull’s light latched onto the two spirits and, a moment later, the glare disappeared—along with the souls of the two gods in question.
“Huh,” Harry huffed wonderingly, “that was convenient. Well, I guess that answers which Skull I grabbed.” Bouncing the artifact in one hand, he added, “Thanks for the heads up, Artie.”
Athena seemed beside herself. “Y-you… have a Soul Trap?” she asked bewilderedly.
“Apparently so,” Harry replied in distanced bemusement as he non-too-gently nudged one of the now-soulless corpses with his foot. “I can think of a few times where this little gadget would have come in handy. So… if your brother’s a god of war and your uncle’s a god of death, that would make you two…”
“Artemis the Huntress and Pallas Athena,” the blonde woman supplied, “goddesses of Olympus.”
Harry nodded as if finally putting a puzzle together. “Figures,” he muttered. “Right, well, I guess the first question would be… why the subterfuge?”
“Do you go around telling everyone exactly who you are?” Athena questioned.
Harry conceded the matter. “Point.”
“It’s nice to have a break from all the bowing and scraping on occasion,” Artemis replied. “By the way, how’d you manage to get the upper hand on those two, anyway?”
The wizard shrugged. “Dumb luck, honestly. I knocked the pair of them into a magical river over there.” He pointed off in an eastern direction. “From what I’ve noticed whenever they’ve woken up since then, it seems that they’ve both got total amnesia.”
The archer began to chuckle. “You knocked them both into the Lethe… just like that?”
“Well, to be perfectly honest, Blondie there managed to Banish me into another river.” He made a show of looking himself over. “I seem to be alright, though, except for this killer headache. I’ve been remembering hexes and curses a whole lot easier as well. Heck, I’ve been remembering all sorts of things since my unscheduled bath.”
The two women briefly looked away from him. “Imagine that,” Athena finally offered.
“Tell me about it,” he agreed. “You’d almost think that I landed in a ‘River of Memory’ or some such.”
“Close enough,” Athena acknowledged. “We call it the Mnemosyne.”
“You’re… not joking, are you?” he asked dejectedly. They both shook their heads. “Any way to reverse it?”
“There’s always the Lethe,” Artemis offered cheerfully.
Harry snorted. “I’ll pass. So, Thena… Why exactly do you not want me to kill them?”
“Well,” she hesitated, “they’re not really… bad people. My brother’s main problem is that he just likes to fight. The reason that he’s being unbearable at the moment is because he’s worried about the future. Specifically, I think he’s afraid of humanity growing too complacent and relying on groups like the Justice League to solve all their problems instead of fending for themselves.”
Harry considered her reply. “I can agree with that. In fact, I’ve often said much the same… but he’s going about it all wrong.”
The woman shrugged. “I agree. He’s always been rather… impetuous.”
Her female companion chortled. “Tell me about it!”
“So…” Harry mentally switched gears. “What about the other one? Is he misunderstood as well?”
“Our uncle… well, he and our father Zeus haven’t seen eye-to-eye in a very long time. Dad kept interfering in Hades’ business, tipping the balance between life and death, and our uncle ended up starting a war just to restore things to where they should be. He ultimately succeeded but was banished down here in retaliation. That’s why Hades raised this army; our father Zeus has been up to his old tricks again, and he wanted to head off any further damage. I’m afraid that the Amazons sort of forced the issue.”
The wizard blinked. “You’re telling me,” he asked lowly, “that I’ve spent the better part of an hour fighting two gods… for ultimately doing the right thing?”
The two women glanced at one another. “Essentially,” Athena replied as she braced herself for the impending explosion.
“Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha.”
The ladies took a long step back while the wizard regained his composure.
“That’s right, folks!” Harry announced jovially. “The Universe’s spittoon, live and in person! So… hasn’t anyone in your messed up family ever heard of arbitration?”
“Well… our mother tried to mediate their dispute once, but neither of them took her seriously,” Athena admitted. “I mean, whoever we got to arbitrate the matter would have to be knowledgeable of the balance between Life and Death—”
“—strong enough if necessary to force them both to listen—” Artemis added.
“—and be far enough removed from the conflict to judge it objectively,” the other woman finished, before the pair looked at Harry intently.
The hair rising on the back of his neck motivated Harry to immediately move towards his waiting Pooka. “Right, well, it’s been great to see you, but I’ve really got to be going. Places to go, bad guys to kill, you know how it is.”
“Please?” the two chorused.
Harry crossed his arms resolutely.
Four eyes began to tear up on command.
He frowned.
Lips began to quiver pitifully.
“Aw, bloody hell!”
Dragging the two soulless bodies behind him, Harry and the two women left the fiery dimension for the more hospitable Themyscira, appearing behind the gathered group just in time to overhear Hippolyta’s question his contemporary name.
‘So… he calls himself ‘Mr. Black’ now, does he?’
“The one and only,” he announced, causing the gathered women to spin around rapidly.
The wizard soon found himself the center of attention of several scores of women, and not necessarily in the good way.
“Umm… yes?” he offered the inquisitive mob.
While the group in general did nothing but stare, a certain petite blonde woman forced her way to the forefront and made a show of inspecting Harry for damage. Finding nothing serious, the Argosian then proceeded to smack him upside the head.
“What did you think you were doing?” the irritated Supergirl demanded.
“Wasn’t it obvious?” Harry complained as he rubbed the offended area. “Stopping madmen, fighting an undead army, postponing the end of the world… the usual.”
“I’m talking about your little disappearing act!” she prompted while rapping on the locked and warded dimensional portal.
“What better place than a hell dimension to have a brawl?” Harry asked as innocently as he could manage. “For one thing, nobody cares about errant property damage.”
“Where did you come from?” Hippolyta demanded nervously.
Harry smiled at the blonde monarch. “Nobody’s covered this with you still?” he demanded playfully “Alrighty, then. You see, when a man and a woman like each other very, very much…”
His current verbal sparring partner covered her eyes tiredly and groaned, eliciting a bark of laughter from the sole conscious male present.
Said laughter was immediately cut off when a certain blonde Argosian elbowed his side harshly. “You ran off without backup again.”
“I did not!” Harry loudly protested. Lowering his volume, he added, “I had Mortis.”
“And don’t forget the giant three-headed hellhound Cerberus,” Artemis added mischievously. “He was an integral part of Operation: Chew Toy.” After garnering several confused glances, she elaborated. “We caught our dear Mr. Black exercising Tartarus’s guard dog by dragging those two soulless bodies behind his horse as bait.”
“That is not true,” the wizard contradicted. In an injured tone, Harry said, “The two were still conscious when I dragged them behind my horse as bait. I didn’t rip out their souls until later.”
“I stand corrected,” the redhead admitted.
“You removed their souls?” Diana questioned as the group finally realized the grim nature of his cargo.
Noticing the worried glances he was receiving, Harry replied reassuringly, “I’m going to give them back… eventually. Which reminds me,” he said before addressing Kara and Raven. “Turns out this whole thing was a rather large misunderstanding, and I’ve got to go officiate a debate to help straighten out this mess. I may be gone a while, so don’t wait up.”
“Do you have to go?” Kara complained. “Isn’t there someone else?”
“Sorry, Kara. I’m the only Death on-call for this particular universe at the moment. Blame these two; they’re the ones that twisted my arm.”
For some strange reason, the women in question seemed to take his thinly veiled barb as a compliment, causing him to mutter as he approached the still-restrained blonde ex-Amazon.
“So, you’re Aresia,” he addressed the unconscious woman. “Huh,” he muttered as he studied the immobilized blonde, “you’re the one who tried to off half the planet a couple years back? Odd… I thought you’d be taller.”
Recalling the League’s reports on the woman’s back story, he switched to Mage Sight and took in the mystically enhanced female. “Very nice spell work,” he congratulated, “much nicer than the Slayer essence.” A few moments’ further study revealed more detailed information on the process. “Ah, I see how it’s done now. Very clever. Very clever, indeed.”
“Thank you,” Athena accepted graciously, causing Harry to smile at her briefly.
A quick spell from one of his rituals texts later, Harry released Aresia from his restraining spell. “There you ladies go,” he mentioned to the waiting guards. “She should be easier to manage. Now, let’s see what she knows.” Another charm roused the woman.
“What did you do to me?!” the prisoner demanded near-hysterically as she found herself much more effectively constrained than only two of her former sisters should have managed.
“Oh, I removed those enhancements you were given,” the wizard supplied offhandedly. “You’ve been a very bad girl, after all—and while we’re on the topic, what did you know of the plans here today?”
Her reply was mostly unintelligible, and definitely uncomplimentary.
“Now, that was very unladylike,” Harry informed when the blonde captive ran out of insults.
His efforts earned another round of vitriol.
“Perhaps I should have questioned her first and then broke the enchantments,” he pondered aloud.
“That would have probably been wiser,” Athena agreed. “Even if she knew of our brother’s plan, this poor and confused child would have been unable to stop him.”
The wizard stared hard at the woman. “Let me guess; you want me to spare her, too. Right?”
“Correct.”
Harry groaned. “I hope you realize that all these little acts of mercy are going to destroy my reputation.”
The goddess made a show of observing their environment, most notably the scorched stone and gory remains of the short-lived invasion force. “Somehow,” she conjectured wryly, “I believe that your standing as the universe’s penultimate bringer of doom will endure.”
He sighed. “Right then. Oh, one more thing.” Harry turned to the blonde queen. “I’ve been thinking—” he announced.
“Uh, oh,” Kara interrupted cheerfully.
“Quiet, you,” he ordered in like manner. “It’s just an idea, but if you really want to improve relations with the rest of the world, you might think about opening an embassy overseas somewhere.”
“An… embassy?” Hippolyta echoed questioningly.
Harry nodded. “Yes. You get a small amount of sovereign land in another nation, where you set up offices and maintain diplomatic ties with that nation.”
“And what would we have to give in return?”
“Well… eventually, someone would probably want to set up something similar here. At least, I think that’s how the system works. In all honesty, I pay little attention to politics when it doesn’t directly concern me.”
The monarch looked contemplative. “This will require much prayer and reflection,” she replied.
“It’s just a thought,” he professed. Before he could continue, a loud racket began emitting from the direction of the Tartarus Gate. Moments later, everyone present heard a crashing sound, which was soon joined by excited barking.
“Someone’s about to have company!” Artemis sang teasingly.
Harry just sighed as the giant three-headed guard dog Cerberus tore into the miniature coliseum bearing a gnawed tree in two of its mouths.
“Cerberus,” the wizard greeted tiredly as the dog affectionately pounced on him, “I can’t play now. I have work to do.”
The immortal canine whined piteously.
“Yes, I know that’s not as much fun as playing fetch, but I have to do it anyway.”
He was greeted with a few yelps interspersed amidst the high-pitched whines.
“I enjoyed our games, too, but now I really have to go.”
Harry was placed on the receiving end of three puppy stares—which looked particularly odd when generated by a singular entity.
“One last throw,” Harry compromised, “then you go back to your post. Okay?”
Cerberus barked his consent.
“Alright, give me the stick.” When the dog obeyed, he flung it end-over-end out towards the empty tournament field. With three howls of excitement, the large beast took off after its prize.
“You know,” Athena mused, “it’s more than a little disturbing that you can carry on a conversation with him.”
Harry shrugged. “It’s a canine thing. If you think that’s strange, you should meet my godfather—his form was a grim, and he talked to cats!” He smiled as he watched the dog’s antics. “I really love that breed!”
Once the giant puppy returned with its prize, Harry patted its three heads before sending it back to Tartarus and locking the portal more thoroughly. He then returned to the clustered ladies and announced that he had made additions to the warding scheme.
“Hopefully, you won’t be disturbed by the Underworld for a while,” he finished before returning his attention to his divine companions. “Shall we get this show on the road?”
“Certainly. Follow us,” Athena instructed.
“Later, everybody,” Harry called before following the females’Apparation to their home for the meeting.
A/N: Sorry for the long delay in publishing this chapter. Hopefully, the 15,600-word length makes up for it.
I’ve updated my storyboard, and it looks like I’ll be concluding this project in two more chapters. Chapter Fifteen is largely complete, and I hope to post it in the very near future.
Several omakes and suggestions were implemented in this chapter. Among these were: Memorabilia by Luinlothana, Chris Hill, and Ausfinbar; For the Thrill of It by Luinlothana; and The Eyes Have It by Chris Hill.
Many thanks to James and Chris for proofreading this chapter, and to all the CaerAzkaban group members whose suggestions appear in this update.
Thank you for your interest, and please remember to review.